Thursday, 8 January 2015

i only work on a saturday
a pitiful 8 hours
then i go home and do nothing for the rest of the week
then complain i don't have a proper job
and i have no money
cause I've been living off my student loan since may
but its quickly diminishing
because i had an extravagant summer and a generous christmas

i had this plan
i was never gonna live at home at the age of 21, i was gonna be long gone
but I'm nearly 22 now
i was gonna have a full time job by november when my phone was due for upgrade so i could pay it myself instead of letting my mother pay it
but november snook up quick so i havent upgraded
i said i'd carry on doing creative things like taking pictures, writing stories, making books after uni
but i haven't touched a camera since and it took me 8 days to make myself write in my diary today. the only thing i got into was making wrapping paper but that was only for christmas, I've not touched a stamp since then
i haven't even blogged for god knows how long
i also said i'd never get to this weight again but here i am

i appear to be in a funk
and its doing my head in
I'm being miserable and fed up and really i have no right to be

i have parents that let me live with them for free
so working 8 hours is purely money in my pocket
might not be much but it is more than some people get
i don't have a full time job because i haven't worked hard enough to get one
i dont force myself to apply for thousands and spend hours doing it because i get bored but I'm only damaging myself
all i'd have to do is even read for a little bit
thats inspiring which could then be turned into something creative but i can't even force myself to read
which is the easiest thing to do, just sit and read
and I'm the weight i am through no one else's doing
and since when is weight everything
who gives a fuck how much i weigh
if i don't care no one else can care
i have my health
if jordan and zoe can be in a car accident and come out relatively okay and work through it i can't really justify anything that I'm doing right now

i can sit here all day and feel sorry for myself
or i can man the fuck up and sort my life out
and believe me when i say i am not one of them 'new year new me' twats
cause that stuffs just bollocks
this has been a long time coming
i just need to stop being so lazy
cause thats all this comes down to
im a lazy procrastinating idiot who loves to blame the world for all this rather than take responsibility 

these are the things that need to be put in motion as soon as i press the little 


1. finding a job is my number one priority
2. i must blog or write in my diary at least once a day
3. i will see my sister at least once a week for craft wednesdays 
4. read a book a month - it can't be that hard
5. save up money instead of feeling the need to have new shiny things all the time
6. i will NOT buy a watch at all this year. not even one. not even a small one. nopenopenope
7. have a far better attitude at work, i should be thankful not ungrateful
8. if someone is nasty to me i will cut them out instead of making excuses for them
9. go for walks again, i used to love doing that

the annoying thing is
this is all doable 
and its easy
i just needed a kick up the arse and i think i got it when i let someone who is nasty and malicious actually affect my mood
nasty people are nasty for a reason but it isn't my problem to solve
and i don't have time for them

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